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Big Bucks and the Boogerman

Prosperity Pandemonium

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One day a prosperity preacher had to take over a boys’ Sunday School class when the regular teacher was home sick with a migraine.  Here’s how it  went:

"Well, just look at your clothes, Hank.  What kind of wealth does your family possess?"

 

"I bet you don’t have as many cars as we’ve got jacked up in our front yard," Hank said. "My Uncle Gus is always layin’ underneath ‘em fixin’ ‘em up to sell to the neighbors."

 

"At least he’s putting a little elbow grease to his faith," the pastor said. "And the day just might come when your uncle’s faith grows up to my level and he can enter into the ‘rest of faith’ and cease from his own works.  All I have to do is confess what I see through the eye of faith and it comes to pass." The pastor pointed at his forehead.  "Remember what I told you about how faith brings the object of your desire into the realm of sight.  That’s very similar to giving birth. That’s called ‘faithing your desire into manifestation’. "

 

"I’ll try and do that till church is over," Billy said. "And if I ‘faith’ hard enough, maybe it’ll give birth to a new Play Station before I get home, but I sure do hope I don’t have to go to the hospital like my mom did when she had me."

 

The pastor smiled. "Well, If her faith had been more focused, your poor mother would have been at the mall instead of the maternity ward with you. Let’s discuss a prime example of Biblical prosperity, class, someone whose faith took him all the way to the palace. David was a very rich man, and he got that way by faith."

 

"Didn’t David hang out in a cave, Pastor?" little Joshua asked.

 

 "Well, yes, Joshua, but only for a little while. David was only camping out on his vacation, taking a break from the rat race like any tired businessman would do.  Poor people can’t afford to go camping. David said:  ‘He maketh me to lie down in green pastures’.  So green is the color of prosperity."

 

"Well, what about that wino I saw in the park, Pastor?" a red-headed kid asked.  "Is he rich?  He’s always layin' around in a green park.  Is a park a pasture?"

 

"In a manner of speaking, Rufus.  But generally you have to have lots of greenery in your pocket to put a little color in your pastures. One of the biggest lies of history is this notion that Jesus was poor while He was on earth. My, Jesus was so rich he fed 5000 people out of His own pocket. Billy, what did Simon Peter do when he saw that 5000 people were hungry and needed to be fed?"

 

"Maybe Peter pulled out his Master’s Card and took them all out to McDonald’s," Billy answered, with a proud look on his face.

 

"You kids are really enjoying this lesson," the pastor said. "King Solomon was rich too. What sort of blessings did he have? Yes, Joshua?"

 

"He had 300 wives and 700 porcupines!"

 

"That’s concubines, Joshua.  Now what else did Solomon have?"

 

 "A kid named Rebox." another kid answered.

 

"That’s Rehoboam, Troy.  Now somebody tell me why Solomon was so smart."

 

"He had lots of wisdom teeth!" Rufus said, mighty proud of his smarts.

 

* * * * *

That parson must be about ready to ship the whole class to clown school.  Will he be able to get today's lesson across?  Stay tuned.